Grace Serafin-Mangino (2004

Made With love by
Jayne(Rita's Daughter)

On May 8th, 2004 the day before Mother's day, I delivered my child who was a girl which we named GRACE MAY who was born sleeping at 38.2 weeks. I was 11 days shy of my 'delivery' date.
Due to circustances in my life at this time, I had already known that this baby wasn't coming home with me. You see this child was going to be adopted by a wonderful couple (JAYNE & FRED) who already has an adopted son (SAM) two years prior.
Since coming into my life a few months ago I knew that they would show this baby the love that I saw them show their son, the love they showed the 3 daughters (AMANDA, MICHELLE & CHEYANNE) I already have and myself..

I went to the doctor that Friday with Jayne and we were sharing stories and laughing then our worlds crashed. In the 1st room, the doctor didn't hear the heartbeat, but told us not to worry yet, in the second room they strapped the monitor on me and still didn't hear anything, I saw the look on the doctor's face changing again for the second time, and then realised something was terribly wrong finally in the ultrasound room my worst fear was confirmed, the screen was blank, no heartbeat..

I was trying to figure out where I went wrong I knew I couldn't keep this baby. I was sure I was doing the right thing, someone could give this baby more than I could, not just the love. I did this out of love. I wanted to blame someone, myself, God, the doctor's, someone-anyone. I couldn't. It was no-one's fault. I had all the tests, gone to every appointment eaten right. was it my 12 year old who broke her arm the night before, of course not. Was it my 15 year old who fought with me sometimes because we are so much alike, of course not. Was it my fault, I still believe somewhere inside of me maybe- just maybe I could have done just 1 thing different. In my heart I know that is not true, my everywhere else believes otherwise..

People tell me that this was all part of God's bigger plan, well I really wish that I could understood the 'whole' plan. I know that I am part of it, I just don't quite understand it, yet I can't question it. Jayne and Fred told me that they still think of her as giving them a gift, though I don't understand that. They have suffered a great loss also. We together awaited her birth, hoping, wishing & praying. Together we celebrated her death. I after all of it realised that I was the one whom was given the gift. They could have left and grieved after the doctor's appointment, yet they stood by me and my daughters to give Grace dignity in her passing. They came with me to do the arrangements, they spoke of their loss, they shed tears with us. Sam at the funeral made me realise it was ok to laugh again, which is what children do. Am I sad, definately. Will I be ok? Only time will tell. Finding strength in my daughters, a few good friends to lean on, places like this where I am not alone and share with others who are going through the same, and finding Faith in God's Grace. This too shall pass..

THANKYOU for taking the time to read this and know that I am asking God to bless everyone who may read this, whether in passing by or looking for comfort like I am-then I ask
MAY GOD BLESS YOU..

GRACE gave me the strength to know that if you loved something enough, if I set it free and for some reason someday if it came back to me then she was mine, but if she didn't it wasn't meant to be. But after honestly thinking about it, Either way she is mine and it's meant to be. I was letting her go so she can have a better life, but in reality she gave me the better life. As many tears as I cry, she has joy in her peace. She was welcomed unconditionally by a family who never got to take her home and make the memories that a child should give but they welcolmed her none-the-less. They are also blessings, whose heart will never be the same. As we sat at the gathering after and Sam and my daughters sang Scooby Doo, it broke my heart. I realised that GRACE was there with all of us and encouraging laughter. Our laughter without her. I know that she is with my mom and grandmother and that everytime we see the butterflies they are letting us know that they are there, It is a gentle reminder that they are never far gone, just far enough that we can not reach them....

I have not turned my back on you
So there is no need to cry
I'm watching you from Heaven
Just beyond the morning sky

I've Seen you almost fall apart
When you could barely stand
I asked the Lord to comfort you
And watched him take your hand

He told me you are in more pain
than I could ever be
He wiped his eyes and swallowed hard
Then gave your hand to me

Although you may not feel my touch
Or see me by your side
I've whispered that I love you
While I wiped each tear you cried

So please try not to ache for me
We'll meet again one day
Beyond the dark and stormy cloud
A RAINBOW lights the way...